Darkness in the Valley

Darkness has fallen upon the little valley where we live. The evening chill has begun to settle in for the night. It is quiet here...with the exception of the whirring of our rickety old fan as it faithfully neutralizes the summer heat. But my heart and mind are full of commotion.  

Fear loudly challenges every thought. And Discouragement threatens each moment. All the while Hope cheers on, like an energetic high school girl, "Gimme a "P"...gimme an "E"..."R"..."S"..."E"..."V"..."E"..."R"..."E"! And Joy refuses to be silenced...even as Worry and Cynicism shoot disdainful glares her way, as if to say, "Grow up and taste reality, you have nothing to say worth listening to." This is the stage set to the chaos of my thoughts tonight.

My week...my last month even, has been full of tragic moments turned hopeful; discouraging news enveloped by new possibilities, and frightening circumstances passing without leaving much more than a mere shadow behind to attest that indeed they had been nearby. Yet for all the grace-filled outcomes, my heart still wrestles with the shadows I have brushed up against these past days. And the darkness outside reminds me to be afraid...while the Spirit whispers, "Hush, my darling...do not be afraid for I am with You. Do not be dismayed for I am Your God." And because in my heart I linger here somewhere between the darkness and the light...all I see are shadows...and they tempt me to fear them.

My mind is dizzy with anxiety, yet determination and inexplicable calm embrace my spirit and hold me still.

And maybe this is part of His desire in allowing these shadows to touch me. Maybe He wants me to wrestle with these thoughts. Not once or twice...but over and over until every muscle of my spiritual and emotional self has been built up to meet these dark adversaries and defeat them; the dark foes of fear and doubt and a cynical, worrisome spirit, and anxiety and discouragement. These well-practiced opponents must be met squarely and fiercely...or they may slyly enter unnoticed and settle deep within our selves where one’s will alone could never pry them loose. Maybe this is preparation.

I must know that He is to be trusted. I must know that He is to be worshipped in every circumstance. I must choose to let Joy sing, "Blessed be Your name!", when Cynicism and Worry attempt to intimidate her. I must be prepared to cling to Him when all the stormy winds of life shake and press upon and toss my world around.

When my husband has no job...when I see loved ones being destroyed by the temptress Alcohol…when my family and friends are airlifted to the hospital...when an SUV runs a red light on the highway and hits people I love...when strange men creep near my window...He is there. He is here. And even the blanket of night cannot hide His presence. He is.

"even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You." - Psalm 139:12

So, Hope will continue to cheer; I will give Joy a voice in each day...in every moment...in all circumstances.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

And I will trust that He is here. I will rest in His strong hand. I will know that He is good...and I will worship Him...even in the dark valley, the valley where I live and the valleys I may face in this brief life. I will fear no evil, for You are with me.

"Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me

When the world's all as it should be

Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering,

Blessed be Your name..."

-Tree 63

Little Sister / Big Brother

Little Sister:  "Oh no!" [said in a very sad tone, with her head hung low]

Big Brother:  "What?  What's the matter R.?"

Little Sister: [deep, dramatic sigh] "Well, there is something wrong with my room."

Big Brother: [with a puzzled expression on his face] "What is wrong with your room?"

Little Sister: [now with hurried and concerned excitement] "Um, there is something wrong with my room that makes it scary."

Big Brother:  "Ohhh.  Well, is it the darkness?  Or is it that the closet door is open?"

Little Sister:  "It is that the closet door is open and there is darkness in there."

Big Brother:  [now in a VERY big brotherly, step-back-and-let-me-handle-this-for-you sort of a voice] "Ok, R.  Don't worry, I'll go with you.  I'm not afraid of the closet...or the darkness."

And then Big Brother proceeds to lead the way to the scary closet filled with darkness and shut the door.  He marches back to Little Sister and proudly announces, "There you go, R.  I took care of it for you."

Mama:  [smiles]

If You Want Me To, I Can

I was putting on makeup one morning...as my bright-eyed daughter watched curiously.  The "watching" didn't last long...she wanted to have some "pretties" too. 

Both of my older children [5 & 2 years old] have said this phrase to me before, or some version of it: "If you want me to I can."  It's usually stated as a preface to asking for something they assume the answer to will be "no", but still hold out hope it might be "yes". 

Example: "Mom, I'm not sure if I can...but if you say I can then I can...but, well, mom, can we watch a movie [even though it's already an hour past bedtime and I just spent 45 minutes playing video games because I whined and begged until finally the phone rang and you said yes without realizing what you were saying yes to]...pleeeeese?"

Or...

"Mom, may I have a cookie."
"No, not before lunch."
"We----ll, if you want me to, I can."
"We----ll, I don't want you to."
"Aw, man!"  [my 2 year olds latest phrase]

And this particular morning was no exception.  I very rarely let her wear any makeup...I mean, she is 2!!!  But every once in a while, I brush on a splash of blush, or dab a hint of "sparklies" [eye shadow] on her little eyelids.  This was one of those special "just for fun" days.  She asked for blush and sparklies and then inserted her next request: "Can I have some of that?  [pointing to the mascara]"  With no pause for an answer, she continued, "Well, if you want me to I can." 

No, she did not get any mascara.  But she was perfectly content with her barely visible blush and eye shadow and skipped across the room to wake her daddy up so that he could see her "pretties".  [Am I corrupting her and distorting her perception of beauty already?...but that's another post.] 

What struck me that morning were not so much the words themselves...but the phrase paired with her reaction to my response.  Even though she had hoped I would let her wear the mascara, she wasn't disappointed when I didn't.  Instead she was thankful for what I had given her and happily ran off to express her delight. 

How quickly we loose our childlikeness. 

When I pray, "Lord, Your will be done."  How often am I then disappointed when what I had hoped for is not His will?  I accept it.  And I know in my mind that if it's not what He wants for me, then I really don't want it after all.  Yet, still, there is that feeling of discouragement.  It's easy to get lost in the absence of what we had desired and miss the beauty of the present.  We forget to be thankful for what He HAS given us.

Oh, to be a 2 year old at heart and rest our lives comfortably in His hands, as we pray, "Well, if You want me to I can"!

I'm so thankful for my beautiful little girl.  God uses her to teach me so much.

Shot Down

Tonight my 5 year old son was playing video games with dad. Dad had to step away to take care of something for a moment, so I thoughtfully offered to take his place, so our son wouldn’t need to wait for him.

My son, who was sitting next to me on the couch, just looked at me amused. And with a knowing look in his eye and a tone in his voice that could have easily passed for pity, he smiled and said, “Um, no thanks Mom. You don’t know how to play this. This is a hard level – any level will be too hard for you.” And as he spoke, he leaned over and kissed my cheek, as though to soften the blow and heal any wound he may have been inflicting upon me. “Maybe you can just start with Mario Kart. That one you might be able to figure out.” I could do nothing, but nod in agreement.

*sigh*






I am good at other stuff, you know.

Of Wisdom, Maturity...and Lifeless Saltwater

Why have I not yet learned to keep my mouth shut?!

It's not as though I don't know better...I usually know when I would be better off remaining quiet. But I lack the self-discipline to follow through sometimes. There is that split second of decision, and because I am unprepared to respond correctly, I find myself caught in a mess of words which never should have been spoken.

I probably experience it most often with my family, since I'm with them more than anyone else. I find myself spewing out thoughtless opinions or criticisms that are not beneficial or edifying. Sometimes hurtful things need to be said, lovingly - but they still hurt. That's not what I'm talking about. I reference those words that come out quickly before I've even given myself time to consider their effects, the words that feel good to get out just for that moment, but quickly fill our hearts with grief and remorse.

Another way this problem of spoken words manifests itself in my life is through sharing frustrations with others. Sometimes we need someone to help shoulder a heavy load we are carrying...and other times the load is burdensome in a way that may stumble...and I should not impose it on anyone else. Striving for truth and honesty is no excuse for complaints, gossip or slander. Somehow in that moment between thought and vocalization of it, I have learned to quickly justify my voice in the name of openness and transparency. I believe God has placed my husband in my life to share those most burdensome loads with - but even more so, God Himself wants to be my comfort and encouragement through such trials. I often don't give Him the time to do that work of healing and restoration - I become impatient and "need" to TALK about it - rather than wait and trust in His Sovereign care.

Stupid. Unwise and immature. Ugh.

Yesterday I did this. I began sharing something with a friend and realized that I may be speaking more than I should. But in that moment of decision I argued that I should talk about it, I needed to talk about it - after all, it was just the truth, why hide it?

Why? Why do I do this?!

It's not that I don't hear or notice the Spirit's prompting, gently instructing me to stop. I simply do not listen to and follow His instruction.

I have a theory - it's nothing new, it's this: words in motion tend to stay in motion.
If I would just pause before I even begin to speak and ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment about what I should say, how I can be honest AND edifying...I know He would answer. Unfortunately, once the sentence starts, it's so awkward and unnatural to abruptly end in the middle that I seldom do - even though that still voice whispers "stop." I should have never begun, and had I inquired of the Lord before I spoke, I would not have likely ever opened my mouth. But stupid, stupid me - I just plow right through a conversation and then at the end of my words find myself recanting with a humiliating apology like I did yesterday: "I have to apologize. I never should have talked with you about these things. Please forgive me."

In maturity and wisdom with my words, I have yet to grow...

"We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check...With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who are made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water...But wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." - James 3:2, 9-12, 17-18

Silence

Silence.

This is all I hear. Ok, well…that, the humming of our air conditioner and rhythmic breathing of my baby.

Everyone in my house is asleep. The rare and highly coveted Sunday afternoon nap has fallen upon my family. [Or at least MOST of us…I am obviously not participating.]

I have successfully prepped vegetables for dinner and all the dishes and the laundry have already been done. I feel like I should do something…but I have nothing pressing that needs to be accomplished.

As I sit here, trying hard to relax, I am realizing how uncomfortable the silence is for me. I don’t know how to rest. I have grown so unfamiliar with the practice of sitting down in quiet and just being, that the quiet has become a stranger to me, and as she and I sit here together, our closeness feels awkward.

“Be still and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10

I know how to serve and join Him in His work.

I know how to study and gain knowledge of Him.
I know how to stand and praise Him.

But I am so unaccustomed to being still.
[You’ll notice, I had to DO something, so here I am writing…]

I feel guilty for relaxing. I struggle with a sense of urgency – even when there are no pressing obligations to be cared for. And consequently, rather than enjoying the rare quiet moments I have, I wrestle in my mind with the endless mountain of miniscule tasks I’ve yet to accomplish. I know it will never dwindle much. With each objective I check off my list a new one appears shortly thereafter to replace it.

Is our society to blame for this deep rooted restlessness? Have I been taught to be busy or acquired a taste for undue stress? Is it my surroundings? Is it because I have 3 young children and silence is simply foreign to me? Is it sin? Am I afraid to be quiet and pause because I don’t want to listen; to let my mind consider more important and invasive thoughts than the usual, “What’s for dinner?” or “Who is crying?” Is it because of fear? Am I afraid of being alone? Am I so dependant on others that apart from being busy in some social way, I am at a loss for my identity?

I honestly don’t know. I assume it’s likely a combination of all of the above…since each seems to have a valid argument. I do live in a culture driven by speed and fed by constant movement and noise. This is a season in my life when I have 3 children almost entirely dependant on my constant attention and care. I don’t often take the time to wrestle with difficult thoughts. When I pray, it’s often short and sweet…and generally interrupted by a child who needs their bottom wiped [or something equally as glamorous]. I hate feeling alone. I even resent that my husband is napping along with the children, rather than spending time with me.

Pause.

*Ding*

[That’s the sound I make in my mind when I suddenly realize something. It’s weird, I know.]

I think I just determined that sin was definitely a factor in my dislike of this quiet.

I’m resentful and selfish. I don’t want to pause long enough to acknowledge it, or sit quietly enough to hear that still small voice of conviction pierce through the humming of the air conditioner. I’d rather busy myself with some project I never get to do because my children consume all my attention – yet at the same time, I have no energy to start a project, I’d rather take a nap. Unfortunately, I cannot because I have believed the lie our culture feeds us that I must constantly be busy, or else fail for lack of having "done" enough.

So, even if it is “all of the above”…it starts with me, the decisions I make, the things I choose to believe and where I place my trust and my priorities.

I am amazed that everyone is still sound asleep.

I may head out to sit quietly on the porch – and do nothing, except consider His love. I think, with practice, I may one day grow fond of this “being still”. Maybe she and I will grow to be more than passing strangers or brief acquaintances; perhaps someday we will be great friends.

Stories of a Wise and Loving God

Today is the start of a new adventure for us. [Actually, at least around my house, everyday is the start of a new adventure.] But today's new journey requires a little more faith than the adventurous steps we take in  everyday life. Actually, this new adventure begins with rest for us. However, resting would be easier if I felt just a bit more relaxed, or comfortable in my circumstances. Instead, I find myself facing the truth, that nothing is certain.

Nothing that is, except for God. He is certain, steadfast, unchanging, faithful, and true.

I am certain of His wisdom, and I am certain of His love. I am confident that He will meet our needs. And equally confident that He will require us to face challenges that make us squirm a bit. Yet, even if we face discomfort, danger or fear, we never face it alone...and we never face it unsure of our end. We know that in the end, He holds us. No one can snatch us from His strong and gentle grip. Nothing can separate us from the love of God...and if God is for us, who can be against us?!

As I look around my home, I'm comforted by reminders of His faithfulness in my life. I recall times that we had to make decisions to step out, entirely unsure of the ground we would walk on if we did step - or if there would even be any ground to catch us. And every instance I can remember has proved Him both faithful and good.

Like when my firstborn was 6 months old and I felt convinced that I should stay home and care for him, rather than continue at my job. Unfortunately [or perhaps, too fortunately], my income provided over half of our family finances. Our mortgage was lower than any rental cost I had heard of...and we could change some of our spending habits, although, we certainly didn't live extravagantly. We did have 2 small car payments on our "new" used vehicles. We crunched the numbers, but it just didn't look like it would work out. After months of praying and calculating and aching to be with my baby, we finally decided that we were certain God was asking me to quit my job. And with no idea how bills would get paid and how numbers would add up, we determined that we would step...and prayed He would catch us.

I wrote out a notice for my manager. On the day I intended to give it to her, we were visiting my husband's parents. They sat us down and explained that for the past month God had been laying it on their hearts to pay off the remainder of our car loans, so that I could stay home with our son. They had wanted to tell us weeks ago, but circumstances had kept them from sharing it with us sooner. [Circumstance - bah! God just wanted us to sweat first!]

Or when we moved back into our one bedroom house, with our 2 year old son and a baby on the way...unsure of how we would manage fitting everyone and everything comfortably in here. And God slowing began to strip away things that we thought we needed. He graciously expanded our house, without ever tearing down a wall, or hammering a single nail. We sold our bed. God gave us insight and wisdom as we re-organized and found space we never thought we had. And now, 3 years and 2 more children later, He is continuing to teach us contentment, and a fondness for small spaces. :)

I think of the time that my daughter had a really high fever and we couldn't bring it down. My husband took her to the ER, and I stayed behind at home, so our son could sleep. Those hours waiting to hear an answer were some of the most difficult ever. I prayed and I wept and I paced and my mind was racing. By the time the phone rang with my husband on the other line, with good news to report, the Lord had taken my heart through a journey of fear, anxiety, and finally surrender. I knew that she was only entrusted to my care, she was not mine. And I was heartbroken, but willing to let go, if He asked me to. He didn't that day. And I am so thankful for each morning I wake up to her bright, cheerful smile!

And then there was a time when, despite my husband's hard work and long hours, and our best efforts to balance our finances, we were $500.00 short to pay our bills. It was the end of the month, and we had no way to come up with the cash on our own. We prayed about it and trusted that He would provide for us. A few days later [just in time to make our payments], a couple from church, who we barely knew, handed my husband an envelope. Inside was a card full of words of encouragement and a check in the amount we needed. They had no way of knowing our circumstances, but God had asked them to take a step, and they did, and He used them to "catch" us as we took a step. And in the whole process we were all blessed and amazed by the care and provision of God for His people.

I could go on – He enabled me to carry my children comfortably throughout my pregnancies even though I had severe back pain for years. He softened my parents' hearts, and we were married with their blessing. He provided financially again and again when we were in need. When my husband was away in other countries for work, he brought help and comfort to me through friends and believers I didn't even know. He asked my husband to leave a job he loved, and he did...and we were out of work for nearly a month, and had very little cash saved. God provided for us in the midst of a devastating snow storm, he was able to shovel snow for 9 days straight and earn more money than we normally would in an entire month! When my mother was diagnosed with cancer... When our son's leg was severely burned... He has always been faithful to go before us, and walk with us through each situation.

Once, when I was in my late teens, I was driving down the highway behind a larger truck, and I had an urgent sense to move into the left lane. I did. My mom was riding in the passenger seat and wondered why I was switching lanes; the right lane is safer, right? Suddenly, a huge sheet of plywood lifted from the back of that truck and flew behind it into the right lane - exactly where our vehicle would have been! We were both in shock. How could I have known? I did not know why...I just knew I needed to move, and God had protected us both from what I'm sure would have been a fatal accident that day.

I just think in my mind of all the ways He has cared for us...and I am reassured. He has never once failed me. Oh, He has left me uncomfortable in my circumstances...and He has ignored my hopes and dreams at times. But He has given me contentment in the middle of my discomfort and has been setting my heart on Him, rather than my desires for this life, and all the temporary sweetness it may offer.

So, as I look ahead...not too far ahead, I can only handle a day [okay, more often just a moment] at a time...I may not have any insight into what lies before us. But I know who goes before us…who holds us. And I trust Him. And because I trust Him, I can rest. I am going to enjoy these next few days together with my husband and our children, and not try to figure everything out. I have decided to be thankful in each moment, and determined to wait until He leads us to take a step. And when He goes before us, we will follow - even if it's dark, and we are unsure of where each foot will land. There is no place I would rather be than in the hands of Him who is perfect in both wisdom and love. I have a feeling this adventure will be the next great story we will tell of His faithfulness and provision in our lives.

"You hem me in - behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me... Where can I go from Your Spirit?  Where can I flee from Your presence?  ...If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, ' even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.  I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. ...When I awake, I am still with You.  ...Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."  - Psalm 139