Whirlwind...

[I posted this over at my education blog...and think it is fitting here too, so I'm re-posting.]

Life is a blur as of late...

Spring has sprung and everyone is restless, longing to drink in the sunshine. My kids grow bigger; and along with their increase in size comes an increase in appetites, a wider disaster radius post-playtime and continued development of independent thinking - consequently: more frequent arguments both with each other and myself. My husband has been diligently studying, excelling in all his classes; I am so proud!

L., my youngest, has started walking and is quickly graduating from that mundane skill to more exciting techniques for mobility...such as climbing. [Really, who wants to walk when you could just climb stuff, right?]

A few days ago I caught her sitting in the middle of the living room talking to herself, "No. Nooo. No. No Ma. No Mom. No. Mom. No no. Noooo." She was practicing telling me no. My heart was filled with delight at her sweet voice, pride for her working so intently to enunciate her words correctly...and slight trepidation as I considered the implications of her resolve to clearly communicate her defiance.

My oldest daughter is learning important and difficult lessons about the ugliness of lies. Meanwhile, her father and I are being tested in matters of patience and grace. She is also rapidly learning to read and write. She enjoys writing letters and often I find random letters on her schoolwork or art pages. Occasionally, her random letters happen to form words, much to her older brother's astonishment and delight. He is very impressed by her "skill" and they celebrate her accomplishment together with cheering, laughter and expressions of recognition: "Great job!" "Wow...you wrote ________!" "You are such a great speller!" This warms my spirit. I love to see my children loving and encouraging one another.

I am considering what to do for my son's education in the fall. Boarding school has been an attractive thought from time to time. New, unpleasant and frustrating phrases have been surfacing during our conversations lately; "It's not FAIR!" "I wish I had a different mom!" "Why do I have to...?!" I really dislike the attitude I see him developing and find myself praying often for an extra measure of love and grace to respond to it. While this new "big kid" personality dampens my excitement about home-educating in the coming school year, it also deepens my resolve to guide him, to instruct him, teach and correct him so that issues of character, discipline and integrity may be swiftly addressed and corrected, deterring poor attitude from developing into bad habits and unpleasant personality in later years.

I am just taking it all in. At moments, reminding myself to pause to breathe or to resist the temptation to react. Other times, digging deep to find motivation to tackle the dishes and laundry, or to mom-up and confront the arguing coming from the kids' room [instead of hiding in the pantry with a bar of chocolate pretending not to hear it]. Occasionally, ignoring those tasks that seem so pressing and important, but will still be there tomorrow and just holding my baby a little longer while she sleeps, or sitting on the floor playing dolls, or pulling out a messy art project to do TOGETHER or attacking my children with kisses and tickles while they still enjoy it - I know it will not last forever.

This season is full of unique joys and difficulties...and so will be the next. This is a sweet sort of whirlwind to be caught up in.

Big Brother / Little Sister

The kids are sitting next to each other on the couch, watching a movie...

Big Brother: "Hahaha...that's funny!" [to his sister] "That's funny, isn't it?!"

Little Sister: "Haha! Yeah...that's so funny!"

About 30 seconds pass by...

Little Sister, "Um...why is it funny?"

An Ode to Your Face

[image source: Sprocketbox on Etsy]

This is just a little sumthin' I thought up this afternoon...in honor of my handsome husband.
Here's to you, babe!
I call it: An Ode to Your Face

*Ahem*

I'd never want to bash
Your wearing of that stache
That is set upon your lips
...and tickles when we kiss
You know I'd love you anyway
But hope that handsome stache will stay
'Cause all the cool kids want mustaches
All the girls bat their eyelashes
Of all the ways men wear face hair
Your stache is best
The end.
[I swear.]

Elephants and Dark Clouds

I may be a bad blogger.

Maybe that's okay.

"They" say a good blogger must blog consistently and often [as in...every day]. Even if it means just posting a quick little thought...a picture...just something. That's not really my style though. There are several contributing factors.

I guess I kinda stand by the philosophy that unless you have something worthwhile to talk about, it's better to not. [Not talk, that is, or in this instance, not write.] I don't like to talk just for the sake of talking, ya know? Well...there's that...and also my counter piled high with a seemingly endless mountain of dishes, my overflowing laundry baskets and constantly supervising my adorable, yet often naughty children; all of which keeps me well occupied for most of the day [and a good portion of the night too].

Actually I have sat down to write several times and ended up deleting what little I had managed to type. I've realized that while my words were honest...I could not yet be as honest as I'd like to be. And while the topic on my heart is significant...God is still teaching me, mending what has been torn and cutting away what is useless.

I'm not a fan of "nice weather" conversations. You know...those awkward surface comments people make when it is obvious that much bigger issues are lingering in the room like dark, heavy clouds. At the same time, I'm far too analytical to simply blurt out my thoughts.

I tend to think, rethink and over-think a conversation, considering as many possible outcomes as I can imagine before it ever begins. Then during and especially after, I often go over each word and concept in my mind, analyzing the tone, the context, facial expressions and body language. It would be a far more logical ritual if I had studied any related sciences...but I haven't. It's all guesswork, really. It is a horribly obnoxious tendency, but also generally useful in many situations...say, this one, for example. It helps me keep my mouth shut more often than I imagine I would otherwise.

All this to say: my heart is heavy. I want to write about it...and I'm pretty sure I will sometime...but not until I am able to sort through it all in my own mind just a bit more, to somehow make sense of the jumbled heap of experiences, emotions and endless questions that infiltrate my thoughts on the matter.

Right now my pondering on the issues is just looming gray clouds threatening to burst. I need something a little more solid...like rain...or better even: hail. Something one can grab onto, something that I can observe. I'd like to see an outcome, an end...to define a point or purpose. For now, I live observing this thick storm cloud, standing beneath it...and wondering what it will inevitably produce.

So...

Please excuse me if I don't bother to write much about the sunshine and warmer temperatures while I wrestle with my thoughts awhile. I am wary of dancing around elephants. But now that I've acknowledged its presence, I think I can carry on as usual, or close to.

And with that thought…

Today we played with kittens.

My kids were giddy with delight.

[Except for L., my baby...she wasn't overly impressed with the clawing, crying creatures, and she certainly had no intention of touching one. I can't really blame her though; they did seem a little ferocious.]

One Lovely Year

A year ago today, the bright warm sun was streaming into my room and filling the shadows with a glow full of life and excitement. I can still see the smiling, kind face of my midwife as she assured me that I was close to greeting my little girl. The presence of light in the room filled me with a new determination, a burst of energy and strength I did not realize I possessed. With a final push and painful, yet triumphant cry, she slipped into this world and into my longing arms and the day began.

My heart aches a little for that moment to return...for that indescribable feeling to linger just a bit longer. There is nothing in all the world like staring into the eyes of your newborn baby, their insanely tiny fingers wrapped lightly around your own, and soft, damp skin pressed against your chest. I have never in my life experienced such tremendous pain, or exhilarating joy.

What an incredible way to begin a day! Even after being up all night, wavering back and forth between great  anticipation of what was inevitable and overwhelming fear that I could not survive it...all I wanted to do that day was stare at her, and kiss her, and feel her velvety cheeks. I hated to nod off into a slumber and miss a single second of her miraculous presence beside me. I was so deeply in love with this bitty creature I had only just met. How could I possibly love her with this intensity? How could I possibly not?

We took her home hours later...still slightly intoxicated with bliss. The days and loooong nights following would prove to be challenging at the least. I felt entirely unprepared to care for a newborn along with my 2 and 4 year old children. My heart raced and my mind panicked at the very thought of my husband's return to work. But despite the fears and inadequacies I struggled with, this sweet year has been so very lovely. And this surprise baby we had not anticipated or desired has filled our lives with a richness and beauty that cannot be reproduced any other way. It is a fullness that money cannot buy and planning cannot manufacture. It is a gift.

I am ever so thankful that God, in all His wisdom, ignored the dreams in my own heart and gave me a gift I had not asked for and shamefully, I even mourned over a bit. I was so foolish to ever think that I did not want to be needed and loved by this sweet girl. I weep as I consider it. Thank you, Lord, for unseen circumstances and unplanned honors...like sharing a day full of sunshine and new life with the baby girl you have given to us. What a privilege and joy this year of living life together has been for our family!

Happy Birthday to my sweet darling, L.
What an amazing day it was!

A Stranger Joy

What is this I see with my eyes?
The lonely, shadowed places men lie
And weep
Not concerned that others view it
This pain cannot be choked down
It must be heard
All too familiar are the gunshots and the cries
Listen close
A piercing blast and strong men agonize
In their eyes
I see fear met with determination
I see devastation
What's to loose?
Death could free them from the tragedy they live

And I grieve
With this perfect baby in my arms
And I weep to know a mother holds a lifeless child
And I pull her closer still and breathe a prayer
I wrestle with my thoughts then leave them there
Too great to bear
Too big to comprehend in my small heart

Standing in the kitchen
Staring down into the black sink
I am thankful that there's dishes to be washed
Images flash by in my mind
Of dark waves crashing, rushing by
And trailing grand destruction
This should be a dream
This should be a nightmare
But I have seen
And someone lives it
And my heart grieves
While children's laughter warms my heart
From the next room
And I cherish every tiny shriek
Knowing somewhere silence breaks his heart
And a father stares into an empty space
Too soon apart

Greater still a love that cannot be
Shaken by a quaking ground or raging sea
Silenced by the roar of men
Intimidated by a gun
No this love will never run
It holds us firm
And we cannot slip the grip of this grand grace
A peace that passes understanding
Hope that drives a weary soul to carry on
A truth that sets a firm foundation
So if the ground should shake
We will not fear
Though hate accuse
It won't prevail

I pull my baby close and say a prayer
God, meet them there
In the lonely, shadowed places I can't see
Cannot reach
Wipe away the tears the helpless weep
May Your love bring
A stranger joy

Boomer's Birthday

Our morning was full of excitement and festivities. Today we celebrated Boomer's birthday [see previous post].

My son was the first to wake up [as usual]...and he could hardly contain his enthusiasm when he found the small birthday display I had arranged the night before. He later recounted to me how he found it, what he looked at first,...what he thought might be inside the gifts...why he thought I had chosen each activity for them to play.  He had apparently spent a significant amount of time assessing and analyzing each detail...that kid makes me laugh.

He noticed that there was no cake out for Boomer, so he headed off to his play kitchen to "make a cake" for him. He gathered ingredients, stirred the batter and when he opened the oven to place his pretend cake inside to bake, he stumbled upon the real cake that I had already placed in the oven. I loved hearing him tell me this story! The expression on his face as he recalled his surprise and amazement when he found that I had already prepared a cake for Boomer was simply adorable.  And his fake cake did not go to waste either...he ended up baking it later to feed all of Boomer's stuffed animal guests [since they can't really eat cake anyways...and Boomer's cake was too small to share with everyone].  ;)

My son waited very patiently for everyone to wake up before he let Boomer open any presents or cards. Boomer was disappointed with one of his presents...he didn't think it looked like much fun. But my son reassured his puppy that it was actually much more fun than it appeared.

"Don't worry, Boomer its lots of fun, just wait, I'll show you later," he consoled the dog, and then continued opening up other gifts.

My kids completed all the birthday activities I had set out for them - along with their animals. They played several rounds of Turtle Picnic. My son won a couple times and Boomer won once.

Once the party came to an end my children did what I had dreaded would happen...they began to scheme together which of their animals should have a birthday tomorrow.  O dear...see what I started?! I suggested that maybe next time THEY could plan the party.

It was really very fun to watch them, my son specifically. He truly enjoyed it and I was impressed at how much thought he put into each aspect. He thanked me more than once.

All in all, Boomer's party was a success...we all had fun and my son felt special. He liked that I had stayed up after he went to sleep and put together the surprise for him to find in the morning. [It's so fun to have a child who can communicate those thoughts...] But my most favorite part was definitely hearing his story about the cake!