Wednesday, March 23, 2011

One Lovely Year

A year ago today, the bright warm sun was streaming into my room and filling the shadows with a glow full of life and excitement. I can still see the smiling, kind face of my midwife as she assured me that I was close to greeting my little girl. The presence of light in the room filled me with a new determination, a burst of energy and strength I did not realize I possessed. With a final push and painful, yet triumphant cry, she slipped into this world and into my longing arms and the day began.

My heart aches a little for that moment to return...for that indescribable feeling to linger just a bit longer. There is nothing in all the world like staring into the eyes of your newborn baby, their insanely tiny fingers wrapped lightly around your own, and soft, damp skin pressed against your chest. I have never in my life experienced such tremendous pain, or exhilarating joy.

What an incredible way to begin a day! Even after being up all night, wavering back and forth between great  anticipation of what was inevitable and overwhelming fear that I could not survive it...all I wanted to do that day was stare at her, and kiss her, and feel her velvety cheeks. I hated to nod off into a slumber and miss a single second of her miraculous presence beside me. I was so deeply in love with this bitty creature I had only just met. How could I possibly love her with this intensity? How could I possibly not?

We took her home hours later...still slightly intoxicated with bliss. The days and loooong nights following would prove to be challenging at the least. I felt entirely unprepared to care for a newborn along with my 2 and 4 year old children. My heart raced and my mind panicked at the very thought of my husband's return to work. But despite the fears and inadequacies I struggled with, this sweet year has been so very lovely. And this surprise baby we had not anticipated or desired has filled our lives with a richness and beauty that cannot be reproduced any other way. It is a fullness that money cannot buy and planning cannot manufacture. It is a gift.

I am ever so thankful that God, in all His wisdom, ignored the dreams in my own heart and gave me a gift I had not asked for and shamefully, I even mourned over a bit. I was so foolish to ever think that I did not want to be needed and loved by this sweet girl. I weep as I consider it. Thank you, Lord, for unseen circumstances and unplanned honors...like sharing a day full of sunshine and new life with the baby girl you have given to us. What a privilege and joy this year of living life together has been for our family!

Happy Birthday to my sweet darling, L.
What an amazing day it was!




5 comments:

  1. This is such a beautiful post! I cannot wait to experience that feeling.

    My favorite part...Thank you, Lord, for unseen circumstances and unplanned honors...like sharing a day full of sunshine and new life with the baby girl you have given to us.

    I was told I could never have kids and had finally accepted that when suddenly I was pregnant and so completely blindsided. It is such an honor to become a mommy, and I don't even know the beginning of it. I'm so looking forward to this adventure!

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  2. Thank you. It really was a beautiful day!

    What an exciting time for you!!! You are SO close! My daughter was born exactly 3 weeks early.

    Motherhood is truly an adventure like no other...and it sounds like your adventure began with a bit of surprise too.

    Enjoy these still moments as you prepare for your little guy to arrive. Prepare your heart for those days of difficulty that are bound to surface when you are caring for a newborn [and beyond-ha!], and know that each one is worth the cost, pain or tears - they pale in comparison to the joy & wonder your little one will bring.

    All the best to you and that cute little human you are "housing." ;)

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  3. Loved this. You put into words so beautifully your ups and downs and the amazing blessing of becoming a mother. What a blessing children are and how thankful I am to have a faith that helps me realize that the downs are followed closely by ups and the sticky fingers clinging to my pant leg hold more beautiful memories than I ever imagined I would receive. Love to you and your precious gifts. :) -Kimberly & Allison
    Happy Birthday Sweet Lily Mae!

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  4. Sweet. I agree, there is absolutly nothing like meeting your baby!

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  5. Thank you, Kim, Alli and Anna!

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