Wounds from a Friend

A friend of mine made an odd comment today that is really bugging me. I wish I could just "let it go", but I can't. My husband encouraged me not to take it personally, but it sort of was. I want to ask her about it, but I know she doesn't handle confrontation well. However, if I don't resolve it, I know it will affect our relationship anyway. Bleh. I dislike these situations. What would you do in a situation like this? Or if you've experienced something similar, did you say something? Did you ignore it and move on? What was the outcome?

I once confronted a friend about some long drawn out issues and it was not received well at all. I never wanted to bring it up in the first place. I knew it would be uncomfortable, although I didn't realize it would end our relationship. I addressed my concerns in the most honest and loving way I knew how...I genuinely loved her dearly. But she was unwilling to acknowledge or admit any wrongdoing...and I was unwilling to invest any more of myself in a friendship that lacked honesty. Here I am, eight years later...still saddened by the memory of our exchange that day.

While truth is beautiful and valuable, it is not always pleasant.  Very often, it is not easily expressed - and generally even less easily accepted, especially when it comes to truth about ourselves.  While lies and issue-skirting leave a tangled mess for us to forge our way through later on, in a moment of discomfort, humanity tends to favor these over truth.  It is much safer to float along the surface than it is to dive a little deeper and risk facing the pressure of a current; so we remain shallow in our relationships.

When my husband and I were "dating" [if you could call our pre-marriage relationship a "dating" relationship], we had been in disagreement over something...I can't even remember what now...and I just shut down. I refused to discuss it, and tuned out what he had to say. After what felt like a very long silent drive back to my parents’ house, he parked the car and looked at me and said to me, "Heather, if this relationship is going to work, you have to learn to communicate. I cannot have a relationship with you if you don't learn how to talk about things. We need to be able to resolve conflict, not ignore it. So, you need to decide to work on this, or I can't continue this relationship."

Um...wow.  Those were harsh words for my already wounded spirit to hear.

He was very patient and gracious with me...and continues to be...as I forced myself to talk about difficult things in a healthy way. It was not until after a couple years of marriage that I finally learned how to have an argument without yelling...or storming into another room and slamming the door behind me...or just "checking out" of the conversation and staring off blankly at nothing in an attempt to disengage in the discomfort of our confrontation. He has helped me see the benefit in open communication. And gently forced me to address issues I would have never dealt with apart from his willingness to say the hard things, often making himself vulnerable in the process with phrases like, "How have I contributed to this?" or "If I've done wrong, please tell me, and forgive me."

"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." [Proverbs 24:6] This is a verse I often thought of when J. and I were struggling through difficult conversations. He never kissed my lips until the day we were married...and I knew that being honest with him was a way I could love him purely while we were "dating". I know it might sound weird, but honesty is really intimate. I think only my closest friends and family are willing to either ask or answer honest questions. If a stranger says, “Hi, how are you,” the correct answer is always, “Good”; it is not really a genuine question - a brief summary of your current condition would be awkward, and likely unwelcome. By contrast, when someone you trust asks the same question, the answer varies. The question is honest, and so is the reply.

I remember early in our marriage times when he would sit stubbornly and patiently for who even knows how long and wait…wait until I was willing to listen and willing to talk about things. And that was AFTER I had really worked on communicating with him before we got married...can you imagine how poor my conversing skills were prior to his ultimatum?! I was blessed to have been given such a kind and gracious man.

It makes perfect sense that we shirk from the difficult conversations. But, sadly, that keeps us from growing. If I refuse to receive criticism from others, and if I run from correction and refuse to acknowledge my fault and ask forgiveness...how will I ever become better? There is no honesty in a relationship that dances around deep issues. That kind of friendship is cheap. It's easy. I know someone truly loves me when he or she is willing to risk my opinion of them in an effort to help me grow. It's generally pretty obvious when words are spoken with care and concern, vs. a motive of self-assertion and callous fault-finding. The words may sting either way, but wounds from a friend can be trusted...while an enemy multiplies kisses [Proverbs 27:6].

Point being...when you love somebody, you say the hard things when they need to be said. If someone is not that important to you, the risk, the discomfort and uneasiness of confrontation just isn't worth it. Do you have someone in your life that you allow to speak those difficult-to-hear truths into your life? Are you a friend who cares enough to offer loving correction, even when it's not well-received...or easy to give? And are you willing to engage with others in a meaningful way? I've found that many of us [myself included] resist the nitty-gritty of conflict resolution using a wide variety of tactics to dodge the ball and skirt around the issues. And many of us [I'm also guilty here too] have grown so accustomed to shallow interaction, that we don't even realize the hollow state of our relationships.

I still don't know if I will talk with my friend. Not because I am afraid to, I just feel pretty confident it will not end pretty, and wonder if it is even worth it. [Some battles need to be fought, others are less important.] But, the fact that I struggle with whether it's ok to be honest with her or not kind of puts perspective on the depth of our friendship doesn't it?

Little Sister / Big Brother

Little Sister:  "Oh no!" [said in a very sad tone, with her head hung low]

Big Brother:  "What?  What's the matter R.?"

Little Sister: [deep, dramatic sigh] "Well, there is something wrong with my room."

Big Brother: [with a puzzled expression on his face] "What is wrong with your room?"

Little Sister: [now with hurried and concerned excitement] "Um, there is something wrong with my room that makes it scary."

Big Brother:  "Ohhh.  Well, is it the darkness?  Or is it that the closet door is open?"

Little Sister:  "It is that the closet door is open and there is darkness in there."

Big Brother:  [now in a VERY big brotherly, step-back-and-let-me-handle-this-for-you sort of a voice] "Ok, R.  Don't worry, I'll go with you.  I'm not afraid of the closet...or the darkness."

And then Big Brother proceeds to lead the way to the scary closet filled with darkness and shut the door.  He marches back to Little Sister and proudly announces, "There you go, R.  I took care of it for you."

Mama:  [smiles]

Worthington & Blakely

I received an email invite from a friend of mine for a BBQ get-together at her house.  Actually, it was a forward from her husband to mine, then to me.  In an effort to amuse myself [since I'm such a weirdo that I find this sort of thing entertaining], I decided to reply in a creative sort of way, and sent her this email message:

[The names are made up...]

My dear Mrs. Worthington,

As was previously arranged, my dashing Mr. Blakely must attend to an engagement baptizing a young woman who has recently experienced a conversion to the faith. This event has been arranged to take place from 3 o' clock until precisely 4 o' clock in the late afternoon. I regret to inform you that my presence must be missed for some time before we shall likely be obliged to join your lively gathering, however I will see thus to disassembling and arriving prior to Mr. Blakely's engagement's end, so as to see you sooner, my dear Mrs. Worthington.

Your hospitality is greatly anticipated. Whatever would you like us to gift your gathering with? Surely there is something my darling Mr. Blakely and I could spare to contribute. Reply at your leisure. Though, I only request that you do please bear in mind that I do so look forward to your return message, and accordingly I beseech you; don't delay beyond reasonable necessity, kind lady.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Blakely

Now, I fully expected to receive back from her a "haha", "lol"... "you weirdo"  or something to that effect and then a brief response.  INSTEAD, to my surprise and delight, this was her reply:

My lovely Mrs. Blakely,

I am much obliged for your prompt reply. I look forward with delight and anticipation our union on Monday next. I am quite grieved for your sake of the scheduling conflict but am hopeful to have you united to us in due time. I pray for your timely arrival in the 5 o'clock hour. Please inform your dear children that mine look to the pleasure of their company.

Please do not trouble yourself with providing for the soiree, but if you desire a side of salad or dish of potato thins would be well received. I look to your delightful company with great anticipation.

Yours affectionately,
Mrs. Worthington

Her response caught me completely off-guard, I thought it was so funny that I made my husband read the exchange out loud and we were both laughing - almost to tears.  Truly, what a friend!  I added this to my "keep" folder.  [So I can laugh about it again sometime.]  I love having a friend who will not only accept me in all my ridiculousness, but join me in it.  I love you - you know who you are!

My Friend, Michelle

I met Michelle last October. She was sitting with some mutual friends at a table during a retreat, and I was invited to join the group. I sat down next to her and listened as she shared her struggles and heartaches. I was surprised at her open honesty, and deeply appreciated it. We wept together. We laughed together. We prayed together. She was so sincere and kind, how could I not immediately like her?

A few months later, my husband left to provide help in Haiti after the earthquake – and gave me 2 days notice that he would be going. He gave me no return date…just that he’d be back when his task was accomplished there. I was 32 weeks pregnant with our unexpected third child. I also had a 2 year old and 4 year old. We had our house on the market, so everything had to be kept constantly clean. I was overwhelmed.

Michelle, who had only spoken with me on 2 occasions, was one of the first people to contact me, and offer encouragement and support. After reading an update my husband had posted online, she sent me a message. The subject read: “How is today?”

That simple question impressed me. It was inquisitive, but not invasive. It was gentle, sympathetic and understanding. It may have been an intentional choice of words, or maybe just what she happened to write, but it was exactly what someone needed to ask me. Her message went on and then ended with:

“I love you and would love to do anything to help you right now. Can I cook you a meal? Look after your kids? Offer some fellowship, my home is always open and never clean! What day would work best???
Love, Michelle”

“I love you”? Did she just say that? She barely knows me. She would make us dinner? She would watch my children? I had an open invitation to her home? Again, she caught me off guard with her openness…and impressed me.

I wept. [I’m a crier anyway, but remember, I was also pregnant.] Suddenly I was reminded that everything would be ok. Even this woman I barely knew was willing to extend herself to help and encourage me.

Michelle was willing to love me, willing to say it and willing to back it up with actions. You cannot ask for a better friend than that.

She set a time for us to have lunch at her home. We visited over a most spectacular spinach salad [although she claimed it was no big thing, I thought it was amazing] and then coffee and cookies, while our children played together in the next room. We all had a wonderful time. And as we left she extended the invitation for us to visit again whenever we wanted…then she paused.

“Actually, I don’t think you will invite yourself over, I will call you again sometime soon,” she said with a smile.

And she did. In fact, her and her husband [who had never even met me!] invited us to stay with them while my husband was away. Amazing.

We did not stay there, after all. But I know it was a sincere invitation. The woman has a gift of hospitality - that is for sure! And her husband is equally hospitable and has enough confidence in her judgment to agree to invite an unknown pregnant woman and her two preschoolers to stay with them indefinitely. I decided at that point that these people were either weird or wonderful. [I’ve since determined they are wonderful.]

My husband returned home after 3 weeks, which felt much longer than it actually was. He is gone occasionally with his job, but this absence was for sure the most difficult for our family. I was so glad to have him back home.

My newfound friend invited us all over to dinner to meet her husband and her 2 other children who had been in school when we last visited her for lunch. He made dinner: turkey burger sliders with mango salsa and an incredible chili. Dessert was “pudding”, which was really like a bread pudding served in a rich sauce. YUM!

The conversation was diverse. We talked about ourselves a bit to get to know one another; then about my husband’s trip, about our children, our pasts and our faith. As we were gathering dishes from dinner [although she would not allow me to actually clean up the dishes], Michelle asked if anyone was planning a baby shower for me. No one else had asked about it, or mentioned it. I said “no” and explained that this was my third baby and I mostly had everything I truly needed so a shower really wasn’t necessary. Then she asked if she could throw a shower for me.

Oh. My. Gosh. Remember, this is the 4th time I’ve visited with her and the first time our families have met. She has extended her friendship, opened her home, fed us and was now offering to plan a party for me! As I pondered her kind gesture later that evening, I recalled her words in that first message she sent me: “I love you.”

I realized when Michelle uses the word “love”, it’s a verb. She was choosing to love me. She had determined to be a friend to me, before she ever had a chance to know me. Every single time Michelle recognized a need in my life, she did whatever she could to meet it. She has gone out of her way to love me.

I am so thankful for her. It’s not because of what she’s done for me, although I sincerely appreciate those things. I am thankful for a friend who loves me…is willing to say it…and is willing to back it up with action, regardless of who I am. This is how God loves us.

“This is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and gave His Son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.” 1 John 4:10

His love for us is not dependant on us. He loved us. Before we ever love Him, He loves us [1John 4:19]…and not only did He declare His love for us, but backed it up with the most sincere proof of love anyone could offer, as He took our place in death and gave His life to save us.

Michelle’s kind extension of friendship and love has been a living analogy of this to me. I’m so blessed by her and I’m challenged by her example. She makes me want to grow up and be just like her. ;) I want to follow her lead, as she is led by the love of the Lord.

My baby arrived 3 weeks early, just days before my shower was scheduled to take place. Michelle and another dear friend re-planned the party and today, my daughter LilyMae and I were showered not only with gifts, but with lots of love from some of the dearest women I know.

I truly love each person who came, but thinking of Michelle, I actually feel, well…I’m searching for the right word: ashamed? unworthy? dishonest? ...inadequate, maybe?... as I say the word because, what have I truly done to love them? Do I just feel affection for them, or can I back it up with proof through my actions? I need to learn to be more intentional and practical about loving people. I need to love like Jesus, and like Michelle.

And as I sit here thinking about all these things, I cannot help but smile and feel an overwhelming gratitude in my heart for the love that I have been shown, and for such amazing friends whose lives are beautiful examples of the incredible love that God has given to us.

With that wonderful knowledge I think I will retire for the evening.

Goodnight.

I love you. [Or, at least I’m learning how to.] :)