Weirdo.

You know those people who are just different...abnormal...strange, who don't act and think and speak like everyone else, who don't meet the status quo, who defy social expectations, the awkward...the weirdos?

That's me.

It hit me last weekend. I'm weird. I mean, I've never really "fit in" with the "cool crowd". [Hello - I'm still using the word "cool"...] In high school I had a few popular friends, but they were only my friends when no one else was around. I have a list of humiliating memories [some are more recent than others]. I'm kind of nerdy and awkward...I've know this about myself for awhile now. And, to be honest, I'm really pretty okay with that. I now realize that the whole "fitting in" thing really isn't all it's cracked up to be.

HOWEVER, I was abruptly reminded few days ago, just how weird other people think I am. Ha! Sigh.

It all began at a family gathering. [These sort of revelations often do, I suppose.] My brother-in-law and his girlfriend [who are in their 30's] were sitting in the hot tub. I was sitting at the table on the deck beside them and the conversation began something like this:

His girlfriend: "So...how did you two [my husband and I] meet?"

Okay, so the rest of the conversation is mostly irrelevant to the story...I'll skip the details of our love story for now and cut to the point: I married J. when I was only 19. He was my high-school sweetheart [sort-of]. Really, I adored him from the day I met him and we became best friends who knew we loved each other and planned to marry one day. We didn't "date" like most people date. By the time we were dating we had already talked about marriage. I was 15 when our friendship began. He is four years older.

Alright, you have the basic background. As I'm telling the story to her [who, by the way - I just met], my Mother-in-Law, who is also sitting at the table nearby interjects: "And they didn't have sex until they were married!"

To which my Brother-in-Law bursts out in laughter. His girlfriend glances back and forth between him and I, unsure of what the appropriate response is, and then finally settles for a look of confusion and subtle amusement. "Really?" She asked timidly...as though she were afraid to put me on the spot. Meanwhile, his laughter turns to concern. "Oh wait, is she serious? That's not a joke?" was written all over his eyes.

Mom: "Heather's first kiss was on her wedding day." Then she twirled around to face my 12-year-old niece. "You know the story, right? I tell you about it all the time. Who do your kisses belong to...???"

Embarrassed and slightly annoyed, my niece chanted back: "I know. Jesus."

My brother chuckling again, nervously. His girlfriend is still waiting in bewilderment for an answer. I nod. "It's true." Then excuse myself to check on the oven.

I shuffled into the kitchen, tying to think though the awkwardness of it all. It sounds crazy and weird. I know it does. But it wasn't. I mean, it was because I wanted to kiss him. But it was really special to wait. It was really loving for him to wait for me. I knew he wanted me because he loved ME and everything else was icing on the cake.

No one ever told me that I HAD to wait until we were married to kiss him, or that my kisses belonged to Jesus. I made a commitment in my own heart that I wanted my first kiss to be on my wedding day.

I remember several years before I knew J. very well, another guy I knew had asked me if he could kiss me. I smiled and said, "No." He was surprised. "Why not?" He asked. "You don't like me?"

"No, I do."

"Then...what?"

"Well,...I" I hesitated. I knew it was weird.

"Just tell me..."

By now my cheeks felt hot. "Okay. Um... I kind of want my first kiss to be on my wedding day."

He stared. It was the same look that my brother's girlfriend gave me in the hot tub: bewilderment. "Oh. Huh. [pause] I kind of expected you to tell me you have a boyfriend." I shook my head. There was a long and awkward pause. Then he spoke again, "So...really? You've never been kissed before?"

[Super embarrassed now...] "No."

"Wow. Uh, well, I think that's cool. I mean, I can't do that, but man it really makes me want to kiss you now! You sure you want to wait?"

I laugh and sigh, slightly relieved that he might sort-of understand. "Yeah."

"Okay, then. Sorry, that was um...well...I respect that," he shrugged. "I hope you get that first kiss."

Our friendship quickly changed. He was not at all interested in me anymore. He treated me with a new kind of respect/caution, as though I were an item displayed in a museum, roped off with a "do not touch" sign to be briefly admired and then passed by, and gave his attention to other girls.

Fast forward several years. I am crazy about J. and have not yet told him about the kiss thing. I've been playing the scenario in my head. What will I say? What will I do if he tries to kiss me? Is it even that important to me? What if that's too weird for him? I decided to tell him, but if it was a deal-breaker for him, then I would forget that whole "first kiss on my wedding day" thing - it wasn't worth losing him.

When that moment came, and I thought he might kiss me, I told him. I wanted my first kiss to be on my wedding day, but I understood it that was too weird for him. His expression was intrigue. He thought a moment...a really, really long moment. "I want that for you." He answered. From then on he was as committed to my decision as I was [at times, more committed than I was] and my lips were kissed for the first time when the pastor said, "You may kiss the bride."

Now - full disclosure here people: J. kissed me before we were married. He'd kissed my cheek and my forehead and my hand. But only my husband has ever kissed my lips.

Back to the original story.

So...my Brother-in-Law's girlfriend followed me into the kitchen a few minutes later. "Really?" She asked again. I nodded. "Wow. That is so awesome! I'm jealous. I'm really so jealous."

J. and I talked about it later.

"I don't have any regrets, Heather. Do you?" He asked.

"No." I smile.

No regrets.

Now, just to clarify, I'm not suggesting that others should wait until they are married to kiss, or that I think it is wrong to kiss before you are married.

But that's part of our story. For us, it was a way to love each other. It was a way for him to show me that he loved me for more than just outer beauty and the pleasure I could give him. It was a way for me to show my husband that I respected him and honored him enough to share my beauty and my body only with him. It was really intimate to not kiss. How weird is that?! And now, lucky, lucky me...I get to kiss him all the time.

Maybe I was just young and ignorant, but I never even considered whether we would enjoy having sex once we were married. That just kind of seemed obvious. "Sexual compatibility" didn't ever cross my mind. I loved that man. I knew he loved me. I was incredibly happy holding his hand, being held in his arms. I knew we would enjoy sex with each other. And for us, sex isn't just sex. Yes it is physical and fun; but it's more than that too. Sex is an expression of our commitment and love. It is comfort when we are hurting. It is celebration when we are joyful together. It is intimacy and passion.

I don't know what it is like to sleep with a man and wake up never to see him again. I don't know what it is to share my heart with someone and have them walk away because they became bored of our relationship. I can imagine. And I think it would shatter me.

So, while some might think it strange, or odd, or not believe it is even possible, I'm kind of glad that I'm a weirdo. I am thankful for my husband, who not only accepted my weirdness, but adored it. Here we are 11 years later with no regrets. Our marriage isn't a perfect "happily ever after". But I am really thankful for the love we share, and the story we have to tell - even if it is a little weird.

She

Oh she.

She steals your gaze away from me

You think you take advantage, she

Deceives

And leaves

You a mess of a man

You bleed

And everything you touch

Turns color with stain

Not a day

Goes by that you are free

You are a slave to her greed

All that is lovely, her ugliness thieves

Though her skin is airbrushed for you

And her hair is silky and smooth

And her eyes invite

Your body and mind

It’s lies.

She is a lie.

A beautiful lie.

She’s a trap to ensnare you

Your devotion and consequently

Your investment

Oh that you could see the desperate ruin

She trails behind wherever she is welcomed

No one escapes undamaged

Un-ravaged

You couldn’t fathom the reaches of pain

That you cause

If you’d pause

Maybe then

But my friend

You are blind

Shortsighted and weak

Try to prove yourself strong

But you’re foolish and wrong

Wisdom knew all along

But you never listen

To voices of reason

Or insight

But pleasure

Rules over your life

Every aspect it plagues

Dissatisfied

‘Cause it’s wind that you chase

She is beauty she’s stunning

Her welcome is warm

She’s too simple to argue

Too convenient to ignore

But what she’ll never tell you

Is she’s strip you down bare

She’ll tear up your family

Your children, your wife

She will rip through your finances

Your heart, soul, and life

When you think you’ve escaped her

And her constant barrage

That torments your mind

Until nothing’s enough

When the woman who holds you

Cannot excite your love

And the children who trust you

Have to wade through the mud

Of the mess that you’ve left them in

Or even worse still

Follow in your dark footsteps

And into her will

Or grow to become that same object you lust for

Men, women are hurting

And children are lost

And you are a sorry and sad helpless lot

Once you let her control

Everything that you’ve got

Her addiction is real and it’s strong and it’s not

Going to satisfy

No, she teases…she plays

She takes your hand gently and leads you astray

She throws herself at you

She tempts and she taunts

She whispers, she messages

Texts and she knocks

She’ll knock you right down

Till your naked and broken

Till you’ve traded it all

For her pixels and your skin

She really does nothing

But sit there and wait

Wait for you to fall

In her arms

To this fate

Of fatal addiction

That will rob all your pride

And all your respect

Your position

As a man

And become a weak shell of a life

That could have been worth someone’s devotion

And I’ve

Seen it over and over and over again

Wake up, sleepy nation

To the pit you are in

Because she will devour

Your flesh and your soul

Run from her whispers

Break loose from her hold

Give your breath and your blood to escape her embrace

Stand up

Stand apart from the crowds and their chase

Their pursuit of her lies

Know the truth

And be wise

You can live your life chasing her

Or live your life

Alive

Not just breathing and present

But living life free

From the bitter entanglement

And destruction of

She

Beautiful Lies

Just read an article a friend posted. These sentences, taken from the article, pretty much sum it up.


"When a 10-year-old...posted provocatively for French Vogue, the images sparked an international debate over the sexualization of children."


"A French senator issued a report aimed at stopping the “hyper-sexualization” of young children."

The article ended with this question: "Should it be the job of the government to stop the sexualization of girls?"

I'm not linking the article here because I don't want to further circulate this girl's picture, which is not particularly offensive [imo], but I believe that the implications the photo makes about her [and other young girls] is. Here are my thoughts: Cause - ya know, sometimes I just can't stay quiet.

Is it the government's job? No. It is the job of mothers and fathers to protect and love and nurture our children. It is our job to educate them. It is our job to shelter their innocent hearts - and prepare them, as they mature, for life as an adult. The responsibility falls on our shoulders, but so many of us have failed our children, leaving them vulnerable prey to wandering eyes, predatory greed and the dangerous lies our culture force-feeds them about beauty, value, image and self-worth.

Is she beautiful? Absolutely, and her beauty should not be peddled to selfish voyeurs - to wet their appetite for exploitation.

Shame on us for not only tolerating this treatment of children, but for endorsing it. It continues because it is profitable. Who makes it profitable? Society - Grown men and women who purchase the magazines and the products they advertise and who watch the pageant shows etc. We know better - or should.

I hope those who have the power to act legislatively, do so, but ultimately, it is our responsibility as parents and quite frankly, as morally responsible humans. Shame on us [adult society] for neglecting [and abusing] what is arguably our most significant position - the ones who are bringing up the future of this world.

All this comes after having taken my children to the grocery store today, where a magazine with an image of a fully nude woman [her legs and arms crossed] was displayed facing the main isle [not just the checkout line].

I think the naked human body is beautiful. But when it is cheaply displayed for 5.99 on the lower rack for my six year old son to view, and the only answer I get from the store management is "Well, did you use our marked "family-friendly" checkout?" - Hmmm...how do I put it? Have you ever known someone who is just gorgeous, then you really get to know the person and slowly they become less and less attractive? That is how I feel about it.

[By the way - Good to know that ONE of their 20 check out lines is "family-friendly", which, actually, I assumed meant it was okay if my children were crying while we stood in line there, I didn't realize it meant "porn-free" - although, like I said, the mag wasn't displayed in the line, it was facing the main isle for everyone to view.]

Soap box aside, "she" is lovely. She is also fake [photoshop-ed], but I'm sure lovely even without the editing. But you know what, that magazine cover - boldly displayed - caught my husband's eye [who pointed it out to me...and who, I should add, treats me very honorably], as it was intended to. Now, I'm a pretty girl [or so I'm told] but, come on, who can compete with digital perfection? When these images repeatedly demand our attention they set a false, unrealistic expectation or unattainable goal, leaving us with a feeling of dissatisfaction and/or failure. How can a woman's heart help but wonder if she could ever possibly satisfy his eyes and excite his passion when "she" is plastered everywhere we turn and her standard is no match for any natural creature?

She is on billboards, in movies, on television, on covers and centerfolds and window advertisements. She is in the music we listen to, she is in the conversations around us. She is hidden in our inboxes, text messages, and search engines. She stalks us until we finally accept her - she slips into our eyes and hides within our minds where she can begin to reshape our perspectives of ourselves and of others, for her own benefit. There, she is able to trample a path, through repetition, to lead us somewhere deep and dark where only the light she shines can comfort us, but it's a dim glow - we become unable to see what is around us, our eyes are on ourselves and her lies. Like bugs to a light - we are memorized, focused and ignorant...only to be destroyed. We are unhappy with ourselves. We no longer find pleasure in our spouse. Even our children can become objects to us, we sell their images for gain, and take advantage of their innocence. She is persistent and she has an agenda: money.

When every time I take my children to the store, they see images like this, 1. it prematurely exposes them to adult sexuality and 2. it begins to create in their minds a false ideal. It seduces us to believe that "she" [the sexual image on that piece of glossy paper] is worth chasing after - and how we become beautiful or conquer beauty. She is a lie, and lovely as she may be, the more I get to know her and the consequences of believing her and pursuing her...the uglier she is.

Men, she doesn't satisfy. She teases and tempts and draws your eyes away from what is real. Her satisfaction is cheap, like a Mc-whatever-your-favorite-grease-burger-supersized-meal-is...and it might fill your gut, but if that's your diet, it will eventually devastate you internally and lead you down a road to a plethora of ugly and degenerative diseases. You're depriving your self of nutrition and substance - and feeding yourself hidden toxins. She might taste good now...but she will not leave you un-scarred.

Not only that, but she is easy, she doesn't argue or need attention. You pick her up when it is convenient for you and put her down when you're done using her. She's cheap. She's attractive. Think about this though: if you stop exercising, your muscles grow weak. Stop working at relationships, and you stop maturing - can I be so bold as to call it cowardly? "She" might be an Internet site, a magazine, a woman but you treat "her" as an object. Men - you were not intended to love an object. It is a weak substitute. I've met a few men. I've met many grown boys. Tell me she has not befriended them - I'm all but certain she has.

Women - stop tolerating this. It is not okay. It is not okay for our girls to grow into their adulthood feeling unlovely and inadequate. It is not okay for our young men to enter into their adolencence with their minds muddled by distracting and destructive images. They become addicted and enslaved before they even have a chance to fight it.

Stop buying the magazines that shove lies about sexuality and beauty down our throats. Stop it. Even commercials and advertisements that applaud themselves for displaying a more realistic view of a woman's nude body cannot boast asserting the viewer's beauty. They are selling a product...usually intended to make you "prettier". The message is still that you are not good enough. It is a lie.

Women, love your man. Talk about these issues. Love him. Don't be naive. Everyday men - yes, even the men we love & respect - face this issue. Guaranteed.

Parents - Love your sons. Talk about these issues. Prepare him. Confront him - insist that he become a man and not continue his adulthood as a boy. Teach him to love and honor and respect the women in his life. Demand it. Demand that he treat women with kindness and gentleness - in both his action, and words - and encourage him to value women in his thoughts.

Love your girls. Protect them. Nurture them. We teach them by our actions as well as our words how to value themselves and how to expect to be treated by others. Be intentional. Let her know that she is beautiful. But also that her beauty is not written on her skin alone. It is within her heart. It is seen in her actions and in her words - in the way she views and treat others. Speak up. Address the images and advertisements around you. Talk about these issues - don't leave her to try to navigate through the cultural influences [driven by profit] on her own in the years she is learning who she is as an individual - be her mom - be her dad - love her.

Can you tell I'm passionate about this? I think it is kind of a big deal; I believe the issues surrounding these things affect far more of our lives than we acknowledge or readily recognize. Don't ignore it.