So in Love...

I could just stare at her for hours. She is amazing, precious, adorable, wonderful; a pure delight. Her sparkling blue eyes captivate and her perfect smile full of life and wonder melt my heart into a puddle of mushy love. Her sweet baby cooing is music to me...soft and spectacular. I lay her in my lap facing upward, and cradle her in both arms...and we gaze and smile at one another; whispering soft sounds back and forth. She grips my aging hand with her delicate little fingers. I brush me cheek against her soft face...and tickle her neck with my kisses. Oh - there is nothing in the whole world like those sweet baby kisses! We snuggle and kiss and coo some more and she smiles as her eyelids grow heavy and begin to slowly fall. Soon she is still; her only movement is the rhythmic rise and fall of her tiny chest and all I hear is the comforting sound of her breathing.

And I sit here in awe.

This is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I am so in love.

Little Sister / Big Brother

Little Sister:  "Oh no!" [said in a very sad tone, with her head hung low]

Big Brother:  "What?  What's the matter R.?"

Little Sister: [deep, dramatic sigh] "Well, there is something wrong with my room."

Big Brother: [with a puzzled expression on his face] "What is wrong with your room?"

Little Sister: [now with hurried and concerned excitement] "Um, there is something wrong with my room that makes it scary."

Big Brother:  "Ohhh.  Well, is it the darkness?  Or is it that the closet door is open?"

Little Sister:  "It is that the closet door is open and there is darkness in there."

Big Brother:  [now in a VERY big brotherly, step-back-and-let-me-handle-this-for-you sort of a voice] "Ok, R.  Don't worry, I'll go with you.  I'm not afraid of the closet...or the darkness."

And then Big Brother proceeds to lead the way to the scary closet filled with darkness and shut the door.  He marches back to Little Sister and proudly announces, "There you go, R.  I took care of it for you."

Mama:  [smiles]

If You Want Me To, I Can

I was putting on makeup one morning...as my bright-eyed daughter watched curiously.  The "watching" didn't last long...she wanted to have some "pretties" too. 

Both of my older children [5 & 2 years old] have said this phrase to me before, or some version of it: "If you want me to I can."  It's usually stated as a preface to asking for something they assume the answer to will be "no", but still hold out hope it might be "yes". 

Example: "Mom, I'm not sure if I can...but if you say I can then I can...but, well, mom, can we watch a movie [even though it's already an hour past bedtime and I just spent 45 minutes playing video games because I whined and begged until finally the phone rang and you said yes without realizing what you were saying yes to]...pleeeeese?"

Or...

"Mom, may I have a cookie."
"No, not before lunch."
"We----ll, if you want me to, I can."
"We----ll, I don't want you to."
"Aw, man!"  [my 2 year olds latest phrase]

And this particular morning was no exception.  I very rarely let her wear any makeup...I mean, she is 2!!!  But every once in a while, I brush on a splash of blush, or dab a hint of "sparklies" [eye shadow] on her little eyelids.  This was one of those special "just for fun" days.  She asked for blush and sparklies and then inserted her next request: "Can I have some of that?  [pointing to the mascara]"  With no pause for an answer, she continued, "Well, if you want me to I can." 

No, she did not get any mascara.  But she was perfectly content with her barely visible blush and eye shadow and skipped across the room to wake her daddy up so that he could see her "pretties".  [Am I corrupting her and distorting her perception of beauty already?...but that's another post.] 

What struck me that morning were not so much the words themselves...but the phrase paired with her reaction to my response.  Even though she had hoped I would let her wear the mascara, she wasn't disappointed when I didn't.  Instead she was thankful for what I had given her and happily ran off to express her delight. 

How quickly we loose our childlikeness. 

When I pray, "Lord, Your will be done."  How often am I then disappointed when what I had hoped for is not His will?  I accept it.  And I know in my mind that if it's not what He wants for me, then I really don't want it after all.  Yet, still, there is that feeling of discouragement.  It's easy to get lost in the absence of what we had desired and miss the beauty of the present.  We forget to be thankful for what He HAS given us.

Oh, to be a 2 year old at heart and rest our lives comfortably in His hands, as we pray, "Well, if You want me to I can"!

I'm so thankful for my beautiful little girl.  God uses her to teach me so much.

Sometimes I Just Don't Really Love You

Every once in a while my persistence pays off...

Like last night, at 3:00 in the morning.

"Mom...Mom." My 2 year old daughter called from her room.

I was already awake with my 10 week old baby.  "Yes, darling?"

"Um...well, um, sometimes I just don't really love you."

!!!  Really?  At 3 in the morning, THIS is what you yell across the room to me?  [Thank you, sweetheart.]  "Yes you do."  I calmly replied.

"No, no...sometimes, well, sometimes I really just don't."  the sweet, little voice insisted.

"Yes, you do love me."

"No..." She said with a high and then low sing-songy voice, "No-oh..." [do you know what I'm talking about?] "I do-on't" [again the up and down sing-songy for "don't"]

How can someone be so adorable and mean at the same time?!

"Yes, you always love me.  Now go to sleep, darling."

"Well, Mom, um sometimes I do love you."  [almost apologetically, as though not wanting to completely discourage me]

"I know you do, darling.  Good-night."

............................long pause...........................

"Well, actually Mom, I do love you!"

"Yes, sweetheart.  And I love you too.  Good-night."

"Good-night, Mom."

My Evening Went Like This...

5:00 PM:

Suddenly, with no warning whatsoever one of my children bursts into a high pitched whiney yell: "Mooooooommmm!!! I'm hungryyyyyy!"

Me: "Um, Okay. I'd be happy to make you dinner, but it's not ok for you to speak to me like that."

My child then whimpers an equally whiney, "ooookaaay..." and pretends not to know better than to speak the way he did. This is where my second child enters the scene and begins to beg to watch a movie.

Me: "No. It's dinnertime. Mom's going to make dinner and you and your brother need to clean up the mess you made doing crafts."

First child [still whining] demands, "Whyyy??? Why do I have to clean it up?"

Me: "Because it's your mess and Mom is going to make dinner."

My children then walk away pouting and plop themselves on the floor in the middle of the mess and proceed to argue about who has to pick up which piece of paper on the floor. So, far no one has put away anything...and the disagreement escalates to screaming and crying, at which point I intervene, more for my own sanity than any other reason.

"STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!"

I handled it very calmly and rationally and set a great example for them.

"STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!!!!!"

[Yes, that was sarcasm before. It was not my finest moment. Oh, but it gets worse.]

After threatening, [and almost hoping they would continue to ignore my instructions so I could follow through] to send them to bed immediately if the 10 pieces of paper, 1 pair of scissors, and 2 glue sticks were not properly put away within the next 2 minutes, child #1 very reluctantly dragged himself around and accomplished the task, all the while complaining that child #2 wasn't doing it. Child #2 picked up 1 piece of paper just to prove him wrong no doubt and then returned to sprawling out on the dirty kitchen floor while I'm attempting to finish dinner with my 9 week old baby in arms.

I set baby down, [I needed both hands for a moment] and now baby is screaming. Child #1 is upset that baby is screaming and demands I pick baby up. At the same time, child #2 is notifying me that she does not at all like my choice of food for dinner and has absolutely no intention of eating any of it. I let her know I'm sorry that she doesn't particularly care for what I made, then instruct her that regardless, she will most certainly be eating some of it.

At this point child #1 asks "what?" I reply that I was speaking to his sister. He demands to know what I said. I reply that I was not speaking to him and he didn't need to know. He begins to yell about me not telling him and that he's mad because he couldn't hear what I said and he wants to know. I tell him to sit down and be "QUIET!"

I serve the meal...and the entire time, child #1 is requesting permission for activities he would like to do after dinner, to which I respond that he needs to finish dinner first and then we will discuss it. "Okay" he replies, and then proceeds to ask again. Child #2 is dropping food onto the floor and complaining that she doesn't like it and "will not eat it at all". "Fine,” I say, “but you will be hungry and I will not be giving you anything else to eat tonight."

Child #2: "Okay."
Child #1: begins screaming and crying "No! No! You can't...she's going to be HUNGRY!!!"

Meanwhile, I'm trying to eat my dinner while nursing the baby who is flailing and crying because she needs to burp, so I lift her up to burp her and that's more painful for her, so now she's screaming. Her discomfort escalates for about 10 minutes or so until she finally pukes all over the both of us and is now ready to nurse again.

The phone rings, and while I'm on the phone, child #2 decides to continue playing with and complaining about her dinner, but not really eating it.

Dinner is cleared eventually, and both children ended up eating at least most of it. I washed the dishes [with baby in my arms...yes, even the pots...I'm just that talented.] and child #1 is now playing a video game, while child #2 is watching. Baby falls asleep in my arms and I gingerly lay her down in her car seat, hoping she will rest long enough so I can squeeze in a shower. [Not only had I not showered yet today, but was also now covered in spit-up.]

At this point I decide to get children 1 & 2 ready for bed and instruct child #2 to go potty. She argues and eventually meanders her way to the bathroom, then sits down and plays. I walk by the bathroom and remind her again to stop playing and go potty. She responds with a snippy, "I am." [And continues to play]

Child #1 demands my attention, I honestly can't remember why, but I adressed him. 

Then, as I turn back around to deal with child #2, she announces with a panicked voice, "Mom, I did not ruin my big girls." [translation: I definitely peed my pants because I was ignoring you and being defiant and now I really wish I had listened because I know I'm in huge trouble.]

We stare at each other for a moment...
Look down at the puddle by her feet...
Look up at each other again...

She says, "Mom, I will not do it again."

Me: nothing. I just breathe. I have no energy left for anything else.

I put her in the bathtub and instruct her to remove her clothing. Then go and get some rags and cleaner to take care of the puddle.

Child #1 is now running back and forth across the house. I ask him to stop, noting that his baby sister is sleeping and I would like her not to be woken up and reminding him that I never let him run in the house anyways. To which he says, "Ok". And I return to my cleaning.

The mess is now cared for and Child #2 has undressed herself quite unhappily. [Apparently mom should be the one to touch the wet and dirty clothing, not her.] Now I hear crying in the other room. Baby is awake. And I also hear thundering footsteps across the kitchen floor. Then I hear it again.

Child #1 is questioned, and indeed he had continued to run through the house. Yes, he fully understood that he had been instructed not to. Yes, he knew it was going to wake up baby. And no, he wasn't going to run anymore. He is then informed that he needs to put away his video game and will not be playing anymore tonight as a punishment for disobeying me. To this he responds with a passionate, "WAHHHHHHHH!!!!" And begins yelling, "WHY MOM?!" over and over, between the "WAhh!"s.

Now I move crying baby's car seat into the bathroom and turn on the water for Child #2 who is now naked and cold. She doesn't like the water on her and screams at the top of her lungs..in the shower...in the bathroom...and it echoed. Nice. Now baby is deaf. [Probably not really, but I was almost wishing I could go temporarily deaf for the remainder of the night.]

I calm her down and realize that child #1 is still screaming. So I put away the game for him, then inform him that he will not be playing for a week now. Naturally, he screams louder. I spank him and send him to his room.

I gather pjs for child #2 and remove her from the shower. Baby is now crying and child #1 is now quiet.  I talk with him about why he was being punished.

I wait for baby to fall back asleep and then shower...finally.

It's now 7:00 and I brush teeth for children 1&2. Child #1 decides his face is dirty and uses a washcloth to clean it off. Then he looks at child #2 and determines her face is also dirty, and proceeds to clean it for her. Child #2 dislikes it and screams. Since baby is still in the bathroom with us all, she wakes up. Child #1 is crying because child #2 is crying and baby is crying because our house is INSANE!

I want to cry...but don't...yet.

I yell at child #2 for yelling [brilliant, mom, brilliant, yell at them for yelling...that's some great parenting there.] [again, sarcasm] and rush children 1&2 off to bed, kiss them quickly and reluctantly, force out an "I love you." to each of them, and then go to comfort hysterical baby...who is wet and needs her diaper changed.

I sit down with fussy baby and nurse her. She again needs to burp, so I hold her up, to which she cries, I lay her down, she cries louder. We continue trying various positions for about 15 minutes until finally she burps, spits up chunky milk all down my chest and clean pajamas and bobs her head searching for something more to eat.   And then she poops and her diaper leaks on us both. 

I just breathe.


I think I need to pray.  And then wash some laundry.

Quieted By Love

"waaaa...waaa....waaaaaaa!"

I circled the house for the fifteenth time or so [that sounds longer than it actually took...those of you who've been here understand.], bouncing her gently in my arms and whispering soothing sounds in her ear as I rubbed her back and nuzzled her head with my cheek. Still, the only response she gave was screaming.

Behind us trailed my sweet little shadow, Rachel. In her incredibly heart-melting 2 year old voice, she was also attempting to comfort her tiny little sister, "Oh...you poor, sweet litttle love. Oh, darling, you're ok - your mommy's got you. Sweet baby, I'm so sorry you're hurting. You'll be ok, you can do it - you're a tough little honey." I smiled. And likely blushed a little - apparently this is what I sound like...although most certainly not as adorable. Rae's cheerful encouragements were just as ineffective as my own efforts. But we both continued in our attempts as we proceeded back and forth across the living room.

After a man-sized belch, and a fair amount of spitup in my hair and down both of our chests, she was finally comfortable. And now, exhausted, she quieted. Her previously restless arms and legs now relaxed and she gripped my arm with her tiny hand and laid her head on my shoulder.

Moments later...more crying. I sat down.  Rae had returned to playing.  I leaned forward, with Lily resting on my legs and took her head in my hands, gently stroking her face with my thumbs.  I bent further and pressed my lips against her ear and continued to whisper lovingly to her and kiss her ... whisper ...kiss ...whisper ...kiss.  Her frantic, painful cries slowed a mournful whimpers...momentarily.  This carried on for a time - cries, comfort...whimpers....cries.  The cycle eventually ended and I sat staring at this beautiful little creature wondering how she could possibly be producing such intense noise all on her own...and wishing I knew how to better soothe her discomfort.

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:19

He will quiet you with His love.

I am awestruck by this, as I consider it in light of my own experience with LilyMae.

As I experience the difficulties, pains, trials and discomforts of life...He sees.  He hears.  He holds me in His hands and whispers encouragements and love gently into my life. It still hurts.  But when I pause long enough to hear His voice above my own tearful cries and notice His touch despite my panicked flailing... I am able to rest a moment - quieted by His comforting love.

I'm reminded of Rachel's words to Lily, "You're ok - your mommy's got you."

I'm ok...He is holding me.  And unlike myself - who is actually relatively helpless to resolve my daughter's discomfort - regardless of what I so confidently whisper to my children in their distress - He IS mighty to save.  And He will save us...those of us who accept His love.  Although, not always in the ways or timimg we would like.  He will hold us through it all and quiet us with His love...aching with us as He sees our pain...delighting in us...rejoicing over us with singing. How amazing is THAT?! :)