Grace.
It is my daughter's middle name.
It is what we call the prayer we say before a meal.
It is getting what we don't deserve.
It is unnatural to me.
When that one person who really deserves to be smacked upside the head is hurting - albeit over messes they have created for his/herself - and my response is compassion, that's unnatural. It's not my own "gracious" nature responding to that person. That is the Spirit of a loving God at work in my heart as I open my mouth to speak.
My mind says, "let 'em have it", and my words come out gentle...my heart sympathizes with the remorse and the guilt and the shame. Why? Because I too have fallen short of perfection. I have failed the people I love [and the people I should have loved better]. I have strayed from the path and walked on the proverbial lawn with that huge, prominently displayed "DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS" sign right in front of me.
I have sinned.
We all have sinned, and don't measure up to the glory that God displays in His character.
Yet, while we were still living in our sin - disregarding the warnings, ignoring our consciences and choosing to do what made us feel good in the moment over what is right and honorable...even in that moment, whatever that moment is for each of us, He still loved us. He still loves you.
And He paid the ultimate price to prove it. The payment for sin is death. That's what our wrongdoing earns us. That's the punishment. He paid it for us. Jesus died in my place, so that I might live.
He loved me, He released me from the hopeless situation I was in, He forgave me. And He continues to show me kindness and patience and gentleness that I do not deserve. He pours out grace in my life - everyday.
And when that one person who I feel really needs a swift kick in the pants calls, and all I can think of is the character of this God I serve, and the extravagant grace that He has shown me, my words come out stronger than I ever thought they could. Because it is so easy to spew out the treatment that people deserve when they have done wrong, but it takes strength and discernment to set aside the rightful hurt that we need to "let out" and instead say what that person needs to hear.
And once we have recognized the grace in our own lives, who are we - really, who are we, not to also respond in grace with one another? It is humbling to acknowledge our sin and our need for forgiveness. It is also so good to be forgiven and it is so healing to love.
Will that person [the one who needs a boot to the butt] continue to make bad decisions?? Guaranteed. And so will I. Maybe not the same decisions, but we both need grace when we recognize our stupidity and want to change. And neither of us deserve it.
It is a gift.
Find someone to give it to. [My guess is, you already know whose name belongs on the tag.] May you recognize the great love that our God and Savior Jesus Christ has extended to us, and be an ambassador of His love to that "Gah!!-Seriously?-What-could-possibly-make-you-think-that's-a-good-idea!!" someone that doesn't deserve it. Because let's face it, that's you and me too sometimes. And, well, He tells us to.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength...and love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus summed up every rule with those few words. Love God. Love people.
Be gracious and watch God be glorified in your life - maybe even in that relationship.
I'd love to hear how He uses grace in your lives to do great things...
And I'm going to watch and pray to see how He is glorified in my own situation.
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Monday, July 30, 2012
Monday, December 13, 2010
My husband titled this story: "What's That Cop Putting In The Back of His Car?!"
I have a great story for you...
One day [about a few weeks ago] I was standing at the stove in my kitchen cleaning up after dinner, when my husband came home. He stood by me and we chatted briefly about the day, then he blurted out that he had seen something strange on his way home that evening. [It was late by now, around 10:30 or 11:00.]
He continued to explain that he had taken a different route than usual to drive home and went along back roads through a wooded area at the base of a mountainside. As he was driving he came up on two vehicles pulled off the side of the road with their headlights pointing toward the ditch. He slowed down as he approached the scene to see if there may have been an accident or something and find out if anyone needed help. It became apparent once he was a little closer that there had not been any accident, but he recognized that one vehicle was a sheriff’s suv...the other was a civilian car. He also saw two men loading something a couple large objects into the back of the sheriff's vehicle.
At this point in his story I stopped him.
"I don't want to hear about it if it was creepy. Please don't tell me if you saw something I won't be able to handle hearing about."
"No. No, it wasn't creepy."
"Ok, what was it?"
The hesitation in his voice and cautious look on his face put me slightly on edge. It's not often that J. appears to be alarmed or shaken by situations. It was apparent that he was uneasy about telling me what he had witnessed. All sorts of thoughts were flying through my head now.
"What?..."
"Well, I don't know if I can even describe it...."
"What did you see?!"
By now I was definitely getting anxious.
"Do you think you need to report something? Was there a crime going on? What was it?!"
J. took a deep breath, then with a sheepish, semi-embarrassed look on his face he gingerly blurted, "The best way I can describe it is that it looked like they were loading two dinosaur eggs into the back of the sheriff’s suv."
*Insert awkward silence here.*
"Um...dinosaur eggs?" I repeated back slightly amused, to ensure I had heard him correctly.
"Well...[now he appeared to feel very ridiculous, but certain of what he had witnessed]...ya...that's what they looked like. Big, giant eggs...and one of them appeared to be cracked."
"Are you serious?" J. doesn't play practical jokes or make up stories...ever. But I do, so I wondered if maybe he was playing around.
He laughed, and emphatically responded, "Yes! I'm serious. I mean, I'm sure that's not what they were, but that's exactly what they looked like."
We stood there trying to read one another's expressions. He seemed to be searching to see if I actually believed him...and I was wondering if he needed to lie down. [haha]
Finally I broke the silence, "Ok."
We agreed that it was an odd thing to see...and pondered what it might have been...then we went to bed.
For the next day or two we joked about his "dinosaur egg sighting".
Fast forward a couple of days. While sharing dinner with my parents at their house, J. and I were telling his “dinosaur egg” story. As J. described the scene and explained that the objects being loaded appeared to be dinosaur eggs, my mom burst out laughing and said, "Oh yes. That was in the news."
"In the news?" I asked.
"Yes, someone had stolen the dinosaur eggs from the playground and they were recently found in that area."
A local park has some replica dinosaur eggs for children to play in, much like these.
We all had to laugh.
My dear husband's dinosaur egg story was accurate after all! I think he was relieved to find out that he had, in fact, seen what he thought he had seen - and felt quite vindicated.
So, the moral of the story is...
If you see dinosaur eggs...don't try to convince yourself you didn't.
And if your husband tells you he saw them...believe him. ;)
One day [about a few weeks ago] I was standing at the stove in my kitchen cleaning up after dinner, when my husband came home. He stood by me and we chatted briefly about the day, then he blurted out that he had seen something strange on his way home that evening. [It was late by now, around 10:30 or 11:00.]
He continued to explain that he had taken a different route than usual to drive home and went along back roads through a wooded area at the base of a mountainside. As he was driving he came up on two vehicles pulled off the side of the road with their headlights pointing toward the ditch. He slowed down as he approached the scene to see if there may have been an accident or something and find out if anyone needed help. It became apparent once he was a little closer that there had not been any accident, but he recognized that one vehicle was a sheriff’s suv...the other was a civilian car. He also saw two men loading something a couple large objects into the back of the sheriff's vehicle.
At this point in his story I stopped him.
"I don't want to hear about it if it was creepy. Please don't tell me if you saw something I won't be able to handle hearing about."
"No. No, it wasn't creepy."
"Ok, what was it?"
The hesitation in his voice and cautious look on his face put me slightly on edge. It's not often that J. appears to be alarmed or shaken by situations. It was apparent that he was uneasy about telling me what he had witnessed. All sorts of thoughts were flying through my head now.
"What?..."
"Well, I don't know if I can even describe it...."
"What did you see?!"
By now I was definitely getting anxious.
"Do you think you need to report something? Was there a crime going on? What was it?!"
J. took a deep breath, then with a sheepish, semi-embarrassed look on his face he gingerly blurted, "The best way I can describe it is that it looked like they were loading two dinosaur eggs into the back of the sheriff’s suv."
*Insert awkward silence here.*
"Um...dinosaur eggs?" I repeated back slightly amused, to ensure I had heard him correctly.
"Well...[now he appeared to feel very ridiculous, but certain of what he had witnessed]...ya...that's what they looked like. Big, giant eggs...and one of them appeared to be cracked."
"Are you serious?" J. doesn't play practical jokes or make up stories...ever. But I do, so I wondered if maybe he was playing around.
He laughed, and emphatically responded, "Yes! I'm serious. I mean, I'm sure that's not what they were, but that's exactly what they looked like."
We stood there trying to read one another's expressions. He seemed to be searching to see if I actually believed him...and I was wondering if he needed to lie down. [haha]
Finally I broke the silence, "Ok."
We agreed that it was an odd thing to see...and pondered what it might have been...then we went to bed.
For the next day or two we joked about his "dinosaur egg sighting".
Fast forward a couple of days. While sharing dinner with my parents at their house, J. and I were telling his “dinosaur egg” story. As J. described the scene and explained that the objects being loaded appeared to be dinosaur eggs, my mom burst out laughing and said, "Oh yes. That was in the news."
"In the news?" I asked.
"Yes, someone had stolen the dinosaur eggs from the playground and they were recently found in that area."
A local park has some replica dinosaur eggs for children to play in, much like these.
We all had to laugh.
My dear husband's dinosaur egg story was accurate after all! I think he was relieved to find out that he had, in fact, seen what he thought he had seen - and felt quite vindicated.
So, the moral of the story is...
If you see dinosaur eggs...don't try to convince yourself you didn't.
And if your husband tells you he saw them...believe him. ;)
Monday, November 8, 2010
Wounds from a Friend
A friend of mine made an odd comment today that is really bugging me. I wish I could just "let it go", but I can't. My husband encouraged me not to take it personally, but it sort of was. I want to ask her about it, but I know she doesn't handle confrontation well. However, if I don't resolve it, I know it will affect our relationship anyway. Bleh. I dislike these situations. What would you do in a situation like this? Or if you've experienced something similar, did you say something? Did you ignore it and move on? What was the outcome?
I once confronted a friend about some long drawn out issues and it was not received well at all. I never wanted to bring it up in the first place. I knew it would be uncomfortable, although I didn't realize it would end our relationship. I addressed my concerns in the most honest and loving way I knew how...I genuinely loved her dearly. But she was unwilling to acknowledge or admit any wrongdoing...and I was unwilling to invest any more of myself in a friendship that lacked honesty. Here I am, eight years later...still saddened by the memory of our exchange that day.
While truth is beautiful and valuable, it is not always pleasant. Very often, it is not easily expressed - and generally even less easily accepted, especially when it comes to truth about ourselves. While lies and issue-skirting leave a tangled mess for us to forge our way through later on, in a moment of discomfort, humanity tends to favor these over truth. It is much safer to float along the surface than it is to dive a little deeper and risk facing the pressure of a current; so we remain shallow in our relationships.
When my husband and I were "dating" [if you could call our pre-marriage relationship a "dating" relationship], we had been in disagreement over something...I can't even remember what now...and I just shut down. I refused to discuss it, and tuned out what he had to say. After what felt like a very long silent drive back to my parents’ house, he parked the car and looked at me and said to me, "Heather, if this relationship is going to work, you have to learn to communicate. I cannot have a relationship with you if you don't learn how to talk about things. We need to be able to resolve conflict, not ignore it. So, you need to decide to work on this, or I can't continue this relationship."
Um...wow. Those were harsh words for my already wounded spirit to hear.
He was very patient and gracious with me...and continues to be...as I forced myself to talk about difficult things in a healthy way. It was not until after a couple years of marriage that I finally learned how to have an argument without yelling...or storming into another room and slamming the door behind me...or just "checking out" of the conversation and staring off blankly at nothing in an attempt to disengage in the discomfort of our confrontation. He has helped me see the benefit in open communication. And gently forced me to address issues I would have never dealt with apart from his willingness to say the hard things, often making himself vulnerable in the process with phrases like, "How have I contributed to this?" or "If I've done wrong, please tell me, and forgive me."
"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." [Proverbs 24:6] This is a verse I often thought of when J. and I were struggling through difficult conversations. He never kissed my lips until the day we were married...and I knew that being honest with him was a way I could love him purely while we were "dating". I know it might sound weird, but honesty is really intimate. I think only my closest friends and family are willing to either ask or answer honest questions. If a stranger says, “Hi, how are you,” the correct answer is always, “Good”; it is not really a genuine question - a brief summary of your current condition would be awkward, and likely unwelcome. By contrast, when someone you trust asks the same question, the answer varies. The question is honest, and so is the reply.
I remember early in our marriage times when he would sit stubbornly and patiently for who even knows how long and wait…wait until I was willing to listen and willing to talk about things. And that was AFTER I had really worked on communicating with him before we got married...can you imagine how poor my conversing skills were prior to his ultimatum?! I was blessed to have been given such a kind and gracious man.
It makes perfect sense that we shirk from the difficult conversations. But, sadly, that keeps us from growing. If I refuse to receive criticism from others, and if I run from correction and refuse to acknowledge my fault and ask forgiveness...how will I ever become better? There is no honesty in a relationship that dances around deep issues. That kind of friendship is cheap. It's easy. I know someone truly loves me when he or she is willing to risk my opinion of them in an effort to help me grow. It's generally pretty obvious when words are spoken with care and concern, vs. a motive of self-assertion and callous fault-finding. The words may sting either way, but wounds from a friend can be trusted...while an enemy multiplies kisses [Proverbs 27:6].
Point being...when you love somebody, you say the hard things when they need to be said. If someone is not that important to you, the risk, the discomfort and uneasiness of confrontation just isn't worth it. Do you have someone in your life that you allow to speak those difficult-to-hear truths into your life? Are you a friend who cares enough to offer loving correction, even when it's not well-received...or easy to give? And are you willing to engage with others in a meaningful way? I've found that many of us [myself included] resist the nitty-gritty of conflict resolution using a wide variety of tactics to dodge the ball and skirt around the issues. And many of us [I'm also guilty here too] have grown so accustomed to shallow interaction, that we don't even realize the hollow state of our relationships.
I still don't know if I will talk with my friend. Not because I am afraid to, I just feel pretty confident it will not end pretty, and wonder if it is even worth it. [Some battles need to be fought, others are less important.] But, the fact that I struggle with whether it's ok to be honest with her or not kind of puts perspective on the depth of our friendship doesn't it?
I once confronted a friend about some long drawn out issues and it was not received well at all. I never wanted to bring it up in the first place. I knew it would be uncomfortable, although I didn't realize it would end our relationship. I addressed my concerns in the most honest and loving way I knew how...I genuinely loved her dearly. But she was unwilling to acknowledge or admit any wrongdoing...and I was unwilling to invest any more of myself in a friendship that lacked honesty. Here I am, eight years later...still saddened by the memory of our exchange that day.
While truth is beautiful and valuable, it is not always pleasant. Very often, it is not easily expressed - and generally even less easily accepted, especially when it comes to truth about ourselves. While lies and issue-skirting leave a tangled mess for us to forge our way through later on, in a moment of discomfort, humanity tends to favor these over truth. It is much safer to float along the surface than it is to dive a little deeper and risk facing the pressure of a current; so we remain shallow in our relationships.
When my husband and I were "dating" [if you could call our pre-marriage relationship a "dating" relationship], we had been in disagreement over something...I can't even remember what now...and I just shut down. I refused to discuss it, and tuned out what he had to say. After what felt like a very long silent drive back to my parents’ house, he parked the car and looked at me and said to me, "Heather, if this relationship is going to work, you have to learn to communicate. I cannot have a relationship with you if you don't learn how to talk about things. We need to be able to resolve conflict, not ignore it. So, you need to decide to work on this, or I can't continue this relationship."
Um...wow. Those were harsh words for my already wounded spirit to hear.
He was very patient and gracious with me...and continues to be...as I forced myself to talk about difficult things in a healthy way. It was not until after a couple years of marriage that I finally learned how to have an argument without yelling...or storming into another room and slamming the door behind me...or just "checking out" of the conversation and staring off blankly at nothing in an attempt to disengage in the discomfort of our confrontation. He has helped me see the benefit in open communication. And gently forced me to address issues I would have never dealt with apart from his willingness to say the hard things, often making himself vulnerable in the process with phrases like, "How have I contributed to this?" or "If I've done wrong, please tell me, and forgive me."
"An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips." [Proverbs 24:6] This is a verse I often thought of when J. and I were struggling through difficult conversations. He never kissed my lips until the day we were married...and I knew that being honest with him was a way I could love him purely while we were "dating". I know it might sound weird, but honesty is really intimate. I think only my closest friends and family are willing to either ask or answer honest questions. If a stranger says, “Hi, how are you,” the correct answer is always, “Good”; it is not really a genuine question - a brief summary of your current condition would be awkward, and likely unwelcome. By contrast, when someone you trust asks the same question, the answer varies. The question is honest, and so is the reply.
I remember early in our marriage times when he would sit stubbornly and patiently for who even knows how long and wait…wait until I was willing to listen and willing to talk about things. And that was AFTER I had really worked on communicating with him before we got married...can you imagine how poor my conversing skills were prior to his ultimatum?! I was blessed to have been given such a kind and gracious man.
It makes perfect sense that we shirk from the difficult conversations. But, sadly, that keeps us from growing. If I refuse to receive criticism from others, and if I run from correction and refuse to acknowledge my fault and ask forgiveness...how will I ever become better? There is no honesty in a relationship that dances around deep issues. That kind of friendship is cheap. It's easy. I know someone truly loves me when he or she is willing to risk my opinion of them in an effort to help me grow. It's generally pretty obvious when words are spoken with care and concern, vs. a motive of self-assertion and callous fault-finding. The words may sting either way, but wounds from a friend can be trusted...while an enemy multiplies kisses [Proverbs 27:6].
Point being...when you love somebody, you say the hard things when they need to be said. If someone is not that important to you, the risk, the discomfort and uneasiness of confrontation just isn't worth it. Do you have someone in your life that you allow to speak those difficult-to-hear truths into your life? Are you a friend who cares enough to offer loving correction, even when it's not well-received...or easy to give? And are you willing to engage with others in a meaningful way? I've found that many of us [myself included] resist the nitty-gritty of conflict resolution using a wide variety of tactics to dodge the ball and skirt around the issues. And many of us [I'm also guilty here too] have grown so accustomed to shallow interaction, that we don't even realize the hollow state of our relationships.
I still don't know if I will talk with my friend. Not because I am afraid to, I just feel pretty confident it will not end pretty, and wonder if it is even worth it. [Some battles need to be fought, others are less important.] But, the fact that I struggle with whether it's ok to be honest with her or not kind of puts perspective on the depth of our friendship doesn't it?
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