I can hardly catch a breath, sorrow and heaviness chokes me. My eyes burn. My head aches and my abdomen is pinched with tension. Facing this evening has been like waking up into a bad dream. I wish I could fall asleep to a nightmare right now and leave behind the nauseous knowing that this won't just go away in the morning. I've been awakened from a dream - to the reality that life is unpredictable, ever-changing, unfair, unjust and inconsiderate of our feelings.
I cannot sit or stand, I pace and attempt to go through routine motions,
leaving millions of simple things undone for lack of hopeful
motivation. I feel as though I am such a mess of a woman with this devastation weighing heavy on my soul. It is amazing
how one decision can impact nearly every aspect of life. I cannot undo,
or fix or change what is. I can only wait. Like a young chick with an open
mouth, trusting in its parent's provision.
I watched the lightening flash violently across the sky, illuminating
the horizon with it's mesmerizing brilliance, I was reminded that I am
so small. That my world and my wants and my hopes and my life is so
very, very small; and that He is powerful. My God is mighty to save. I
don't say that as the "Christian-eze" thing to say, I know He is. I've
tasted and seen that the Lord is good. He has met us in our dark places.
He has stood near and comforted in our hurts. He has changed hearts and
lives and made provisions and offered wisdom. I know that even though
my stomach turns and my heavy heart is weary, anxious and afraid, that
He is to be depended upon and that He alone is in control. He gives and
takes away. He is where our refuge is found, stability is in the Rock,
not in my dreams and hopes for a future. This is not our home.
much as I desperately, desperately grieve this, the knowledge that He
is loving and able cannot be dismissed by the devastation of vanished
dreams. I don't believe the foolish words that "everything will work out
for the best". It may not. It may work out for the hardest, the
ugliest, the most painful and unpleasant. But He will be there. His
power is able to provide brilliant light to eradicate the dense darkness
- if only for a brief moment, and remind us He is there.
discouragement is certainly not the most severe trial a person can
suffer, but it is a heavy blow for my shallow and weak heart. I may need to stop
dreaming altogether, and keep my eyes open to the reality in front of
me; not nearly as much fun, but I'm too disappointed to hope, and cannot
help but wonder if He prefers a bit of darkness to surround me so that
the brilliance of His light is that much more splendid.
in our shadows, He remains. Even in our weakness, His hand is strong. I
would still rather be uncomfortable where He is than happy where He is
not. This I know. It may be all that I know.
tonight, I will brush away the tears, and consider His character and
kindness - and all the many blessings I have been given. I will remember
dark places He sustained me in. I will recall wise insight He has
spoken into my heart. I will remind my soul of His faithful provision of
all that I have ever needed. In my heart, in the Spirit and knowing the
truth, I will worship Him. Nothing else matters much for very long.
Life and all of its worries and concerns and demands lasts only a short
moment, and is over. In the end, our soul is all we keep. My soul has
grown tired and weary, anxious of each next second and where it will
lead us to. Perhaps I was so intent on traveling to a destination that I
neglected to look up and clearly see the lightening, until the darkness
set in, and it became impossible to ignore.
Even in my
disappointment, I rejoice, because You, O God are good and You, O Lord
are loving. Not the "throw your hands up in the air and dance" kind of
"rejoice". Not even the "smile and feel glad inside" kind of "rejoice".
It is admittedly a weak rejoicing, maybe a forced rejoicing. But a
deep-rooted sense that there is cause for celebration and gladness in my
soul, because I know the love and forgiveness of Christ - and nothing,
not even lost years, deep sorrows and vanished opportunities can
separate us from Him. What others see with worldly eyes, He sees with
eternal eyes. I am caught between eternity and earth...never quite
understanding what is before me. But I trust. And I waver. Then return
Thank you, Jesus, for knowing me and
holding me, even [and perhaps especially,] when my moment seems so dark
and my heart cannot be quieted, so full of thundering emotions.